I thought I would ponder some of the things I am quietly brewing about before returning home.
What is it that happens when big changes sweep in, either by choice or circumstance?
One of the most dramatic events in human experience is that of transition during childbirth or in death, at the other end of the scale.
Perhaps these big changes then feel like a kind of death (or birth of course) and so the sense of loss is a natural part of the process. Also, depending on early childhood experiences, change can trigger shock and I think this leaves a body memory that can be very strong….. strong enough to get up and ‘bite you on the bum’ which can be difficult to recognise if it is overwhelming.
I can think of so many times when after a big performance the immediate few hours or sometimes days afterwards have felt painfully bleak and within this, it has been hard to ‘function’ as usual. The longing to sit still, disengage from pressures and demands, even from people has been my way and I have not always known how I could have done it better. It’s as though even though I know it so well, I somehow neglect to include it in the plan. Time and time again I prepare for the big event but overlook the inevitability of the need to clear up/take good care of myself afterwards.
If I so chose I could compare this with the early childhood shock of losing my mother. In those days bereavement was a very private thing and ‘time heals everything’ a sensible guide.
Yes, a familiar sensation I suppose, although much too extreme surely to tag itself on to simply coming to the end of a chapter and moving on?
This is what I mean by ‘it getting up and biting you on the bum’. The endless road of introspection which is so insightful does not necessarily alter the depth of feeling, but perhaps with time the capacity to ‘ride’ these big emotional storms emerges.
Perhaps there is a degree of self-protection in this blind spot. If I started to dread the ‘afters’ before I got started maybe I wouldn’t be so drawn to the intense creativity and passion that so fills me up. Unimaginable!
To convey Beethoven’s or any music in a way that reaches out and touches others is of paramount importance to me. I would therefore say that somehow channelling emotions born of these powerful experiences is one way to be continually healing and comforting those places in myself that might otherwise not receive attention. You have only to listen to some of the world’s revered artists and musicians to be reminded that art and music are the most wonderful vehicles for transformation and I only wish I could be as articulate and succinct on the subject.
Then there is the desire to serve. Something I remember very strongly as a small child. With naive passion I was going to make the world a better place and be a ……. ?! Maybe I could suggest that after all this time with Beethoven as my companion, it is only natural that I should resonate strongly with his desire to serve his fellow mankind. If I can experience a deeper connection with myself and the Universe, and know the joy and peace in that then how fulfilling to share this with anyone who wishes to listen.
Here we are back in the light and skirting around the shadows. Aha. Light bulb moment! No use trying to anticipate the shadows… If they fall, I will attempt to describe them from within…. best to let the future shape itself?
another light bulb moment as I struggle to avoid expressing the truth of the matter.
My strong ego keeps wanting to keep up a bravado of “I’m fine”
(And so I couldn’t possibly be this vulnerable in a blog?)
I am apprehensive. I DO know how to do this. I DON’T know how to do it this time. It IS another unknown.
This is such a fertile subject and I would be so happy to see your comments. Perhaps it could start a discussion?
It could be so valuable, not just for me, but for anyone embarking on this part of the ‘journey’ to have your insights if you are willing to share them.
Anne, thank you so much for encouraging me to write about this.
[This is the list I made before I started to write. Any essays out there?
Embracing the shadow
Sustaining the vision
Keeping it simple
Doing or being
Allowing space and time
Knowing how and where to go for support.