Transition contd. Musings 27th June …( A year to the Day since I left)

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Devon/home

Well. I am reeling in lots of ways.
Painful tummy bug … Needing to be close to a loo and doubt if much of the little I am eating is getting absorbed, so I am a bit feeble to say the least.
In a way I suppose this deters me a bit from cycling, so it gives my heel a chance to recover.

Reeling around in town. So many people, so much happening at speed and to time….. Takes nerves of steel to go into a familiar cafe and be prepared to meet friends and acquaintances who are naturally excited and curious to hear “how was it?” The other day I ducked straight out again for a more anonymous corner.

Moments of feeling overwhelmed or brain-blank and so grateful that I haven’t got to swing back into conventional commitments … that I can take time to digest and adjust.

Not carting everything around …. Could a small bag really be enough? Oh yes, all my stuff is in one place now. The other day it was divided between a car, a friends house and my caravan and I had no idea which bits to put where?!

Wading through boxes again, just to make some sense of some of the mountain of clutter that I have sent back over the year…. Doorway to bedside totally obstructed!! The relief of making up my bed and having somewhere to lie down when the tummy bug roles in!

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One of the things I rather love about being disorientated is this.

After spending so long switching from place to place, if I wake up in semidarkness and still half asleep, I have no idea which way I am facing, or where the door is or even what country I am in or what is outside or if I am outside…. Sometimes for longer than a split second. This kind of spin is delicious! I don’t know where I am at all and all from the cosy comfort of my little bed!
Gradually, as it gets lighter, some sounds come into focus for clues. An erratic “biff biff…. biff …. biff biff biff ” ah yes, the hens knocking their food bin. Birdsong. The loud silence between.
The warmth of my coral coloured veil over my door window… Everything a myopic misty blur until I have fumbled around for my specs… Why is it still blurred? Oh yes, those are my READING GLASSES. Try again!

I remember saying in a previous post that it is often the way that after a big event, I haven’t always known quite how to take care of myself in the moments of feeling a bit lost or fragile. I was wondering how I would find this return home.
Another letting go. I need not have worried. Lovely welcoming messages and texts, practical help and offers of help from dear friends. The peace of my little caravan in its idyllic setting… even the well timed ‘not quite well’ compelling me to go slow and allow things to drop into place rather than my usual energetic blast-and-get-things-done.

But what am I going to do now? Shouldn’t I be ‘getting on ‘ with something? I will have been back for nearly a week soon…
I’d like to say I have a cunning plan. I don’t, right now, but in due course I am going to start circling round a spot like a dog looking for just the right place to settle until I am ready to start collecting pictures and photos and diaries and turning them into something lasting and which I can hopefully, continue to share.
If the nature of the journey is to carry on, then I fully expect all sorts of things to start plopping into my lap, as they have done all the way.
I hope I can remain an active passenger and not get too anxious about being relatively out of action!
Stillness is sometimes no less demanding than movement.

I have just had the great pleasure of visiting friends in the Alexander Technique training school, which was so much a part of my life for the 3 years before I left. Sinking quietly back into ‘ ‘constructive thinking’, ‘non-doing’ and ‘directed activity’ (all very technical terms in this context) was sheer delight and a great restorative.
Many thanks, Danny, Sarah and all, for such a beautiful welcome and the chance for a little lie down!!!

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3 Responses to Transition contd. Musings 27th June …( A year to the Day since I left)

  1. Kay Cady says:

    Welcome Home Jenny!

  2. wendy says:

    Dear Jenny
    this is all wonderful
    thank you so much Wendyxx

  3. jenny says:

    thank you so much everyone. I’m gradually feeling a bit better, but not up to very much at all at the moment. just a little flight of stairs is quite enough!!

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