Do you remember building sand tunnels?
The moment when there is just a finger-hole of daylight between one side and the other?
At some point, if the sand is not firm and the hole is enlarged too much, the whole sand-bridge comes tumbling in.
We were told never, ever to burrow in or crawl through.
In some way I have very carefully compartmentalised my adoptive family and my more recent family…. and now there is perhaps room for a tiny little stream of connection in place of a deep withholding. Call it divided loyalties if it must have a name.
It is one thing to share pictures of myself as an infant with Penny…… she had kept a photo of me as a baby of a few months old and by some intuitive synchrony it reappeared during the year that I had made a decision to seek help to trace her…… about time she had a glimpse of my life, (although I was cautious about giving her the choice.)
It has also been fascinating to share photos of myself at various stages of growing up with my sister Susan and compare them with pics of similar ages of herself and all those brothers!
On one of my morning rides I realised that it was going to be ok to nudge the sand a little more…..just a few grains….. to be able to bring my mother and father alongside for a moment…. In other words, to share a photo of them. ….
Quite easy when it comes to our children….. All those cousins!
Sudden indigestion at so many new faces, past and present generations to take in….. grandparents, great grand parents, siblings, cousins, etc.
Ah, the perfect phrase…..” Cognitive dissonance” ie….. brain fog!
I have had to take little steps and pause.
This is where my Alexander Technique has been an element of extraordinary, almost unexpected support. Just making space. Again and again.
The other major support has come from Susan and John……. I have huge, huge appreciation for the quiet acceptance and gentle respect that both of you have shown while I may have appeared to withdraw or even disengage. ….. Reflecting here in Keene, where I am now staying with Tim and Talu, it really has been a remarkable time, especially when we all came together last Saturday.
Without those morning rides, and your discreet ‘holding’ I might not have felt as comfortable or been able to relax with everyone.
Mark, David, Keith, Brenda and Jaylynn journeyed for several hours so that they could get together for the day. Penny stepped up and made a feisty outing from the nursing home. This has not happened in a long while and meant overcoming a certain amount of trepidation to manage a wheelchair. When David’s car wasn’t quite right, everyone persevered until the right taxi could be found.
Ernest, ( Susan’s and “the brothers’ ” father) also came.
To me this felt like such a gift of generosity from everybody, and it was a delight to see, no, be part of a family get together in gorgeous weather, tucking in to a fabulous barbecue……
Nobody got buried in the sand.
Once in a
blue red moon!?
So I think I can share some photos in the other direction, before the tide comes in and washes away this moment in time.
My lovely sister, Susan